It is easier to buy gift for women then man, you can just go to jewelry or furs, the luxury route of perfume or “something for the house†that spans the broader, yet more risky spectrum.
The year I found the electric can opener under the tree, for instance, was not a particularly lucky omen for Santa.
But men’s presents are limited. They get shirts and they get ties, and in recent years, almost every man has acquired a vibrating back massager cushion that raises his hopes for sexual adventures that never quite pan out.
If you are sitting at home alone this weekend trying to come up with a present for a hubby who is out in the wild, take heart. A new store he probably refers to as “Paradise†has opened nearby, and it has a catalog as well.
I shopped the Christmas catalog for you and came up with these suggestions:
How about a camouflage cell phone cover?
Think about it. He’s in the woods, watching a big buck eating corn from his feeder. Suddenly, his phone vibrates. He takes it off his camo hunting tool belt. The sun glints off the shiny silver flip-phone and away the buck goes before he can even whisper “Gotta call you back.â€
Or how about a camo lighter? Yes, of course, he smokes cigars at deer camp. I found a lighter called the Xtreme Adventure featuring a laser torch with a 3,700-degree flame, a compass, reflective mirror and a ring to attach it to the aforementioned hunting tool belt. How cool is that? Think what he could do with a 3,700-degree flame! I don’t care how damp the kindling is, that campfire is going to burn, baby, burn with this bad boy unless hunter-hubby sets his camo tool belt on fire first.
This store features many items for the house. Your decision to go this route depends on whether you really want your bedroom done in khaki sheets and a comforter and matching drapes in the luxe “shadow grass†pattern.
Looking for a whimsical stocking stuffer? This place can hook you up with a 4-foot-long pillow in the shape of a walleye, bluegill, black bass or — for the deep-sea fisherman in your life — a giant marlin.
For the more traditional types, there are deer-antler table lamps, floor lamps and an entire array of antler chandeliers.
For his bathroom, you can choose towels with turkey appliqués and your choice of clear plastic commode seats with shotgun shells or fishing lures trapped inside. My personal choice there is a toilet roll dispenser done up like a fishing reel.
I like the strings of Christmas lights shaped like shotgun shells, deer, fish and wonderful miniature silver Airstream trailers.
You could gift him with camouflage seats, steering wheel covers and floor mats so his hunting truck will be just as invisible as he is. Ditto his animal caller that lets him emit silly sounds like “buck grunt,†“snort/wheeze,†“lost fawn,†or “antler rattle†in complete camo-confidence.
For the hunter who also is a gamer, you could choose “Dangerous Hunts 2,†which offers realistic big-game altercations with elephants, Bengal tigers and bears. That way, you can keep him at home, glued to the game box and shouting profanities while realistic roars, growls and grunts — not to mention rapid-fire rifle shots — pervade the air.
On second thought, no. Get him a prepaid African safari. That way, all that peace and quiet you’re enjoying now won’t have to be limited to deer season.

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